Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
