apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
