I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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