Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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