i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
