I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
