when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
