Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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