omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
