I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
