he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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