Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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