I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
