Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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