im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
too bad you live with your parents still
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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