it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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