The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
