Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
