I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
