Swine flu. Run for my life!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize