I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
