The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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