I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
