youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
