got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
