If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
