I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize