Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
