last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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