so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
