Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
