I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
