yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
