Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
