It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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