Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize