I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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