Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
