please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize