im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
