That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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