There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
