I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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