First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
