sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
