I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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