I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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