I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
