I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
