Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
