a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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