Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
