Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
this is an emotional support booty call
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
