Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
