This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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