you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize