I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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